Etiquette Radical Pillows

'Don't be so stubborn, Bill. Let them play through if you don't want to be vaporized.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Awkward First Dates

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'