Etiquette Challenger Pillows

'Everything must go...manners included!'

"I'm just saying there's no actual rule that we can't agree to a dive minute pee break."

"I don't always fart when your friends are over. But when I do, I make sure I sneak out so they think it's you."

"I know it's what your daddy wrote to your mummy..."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

"All rise."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'D'you have any salt?'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."