Etiquette Challenger Gifts

'Everything must go...manners included!'

"I'm just saying there's no actual rule that we can't agree to a dive minute pee break."

"I don't always fart when your friends are over. But when I do, I make sure I sneak out so they think it's you."

"I know it's what your daddy wrote to your mummy..."

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'D'you have any salt?'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"All rise."

"I hit reply all too many times."

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"