Etiquette Warrior Pillows

'It's about time you got jets installed!'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

Awkward First Dates

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."