Etiquette Improver Gifts

When kissing a woman, try not to burp.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Discussion topic: Is our society becoming less civil and more violent?"

"Just what is a runcible spoon?"