Etiquette Admirer Gifts

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'I'm getting kind of bored, Jim. Can I put you on hold?'

"Gee, I'm sorry this had to happen on our first date!"

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

Courtesy ATM

Hello!

"I forgot my phone."

"Yoy know we could just step over that fence and escape?"

"... Mind if we play throught?"

'I think he's going to let you finish telling your joke.'

'It's called a 'hat' -- you tip it to women instead of hitting them over the head with a club.'

'It's a 4-hr DVD on the proper way to hold a wine glass - plus a free 2-year subscription to How to Hold A Wine Glass Magazine!'

'That's what I like about small town life. Did you notice how polite that mugger was?'

'She's going to be a TV presenter.'

Tip responsibly

Illustration for 'Eleanor's Victory' by Miss Braddon, scene 2.

Courtesy desk

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

Lady Justice and Confidential Files

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'