Eternal Conversationalist Gifts

"C'mon, kids...we're going to visit Tia Marisela. It's her birthday. Just remind me not to be rude. She loves to talk, talk, talk and I'm always interrupting. I should, you know, show her more respect."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"...Ooh, I wanna know more about your dark side!"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"What can you tell me about the meaning of death?"

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

"Sadie, they found a planet orbiting Proxima Centauri. That makes way over 1,000 planets we've discovered in my lifetime." "It must be exciting for you, discovering there are 1,000 worlds full of people who can't possibly know what a doofus you are." "...Unless they've got telescopes." "It is exciting. Now I know how you must've felt when Oog the Caveman discovered Venus." "I see you're bringing what passes for your 'A-game' today."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

'I'm new up here...where are the men?'

"Filling up 10 cars with gas would be crazy expensive!"

"At random IS the plan..."

'Oh, you're from earth. Do you know Aaron Michaelson?'

'Everything's heavenly! How about you?'

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

"Don't worry mate... We've rung for an economist."

"You're part of the NASA Space Program! Really? I've heard that lame pick-up line sooo many times..."

'Whoa, Buddy, I think you've had enough...'

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

'I tell you what, no more dates with Astronomers! What I thought would be a romantic walk under the stars ended up being a two-hour Physics lecture...'

'Greetings, Martian, from the planet Venus.'

"Hey, this is on me!"

"You have a really weird energy."

The Devil and an angel talk by the water cooler.

'Yes that's right I ordered 2 doubles. Why, did you want a drink too?'

Social Networking in Heaven.

"You had me at sextile moon."

"Do you play?"

"Unitarian. You?"

'You must assert yourself more.'

'Of course my income didn't really take off until I left tele-marketing and got into insurance fraud.'