Escargot Enthusiast Gifts

Snail orders 'hommes' in a restaurant.

'The escargots are underdone.'

'Snails! Are you having me on?'

Snail Gumball Machine.

'Boy that was a scary movie!'

'Nutcrackers! I take it this is the first time you've had snails, sir?'

'That's right, sir - they ate the salad.'

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

"I can recommend the snails, if you don't mind waiting."

"The chef made some substitutions to tonight's menu. Instead of Escarots a la Bourguignonne, he's cooking hot dogs."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

The Smartass Phone