Equestrian Snobbery Satirist Gifts

'I am Prince Fiffleniffle II, my lineage can be traced back 300 years and I am worth millions.'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

Sympathetic nursing will work wonders

For speedy operation and ease of control get a pony.

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

Man in office on saddle: 'You heard right. I just got hired as a desk jockey.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

Mr Tom Noddy's First Day With the Hounds Pt. 4

'It's first flush Darjeeling darling!'

'Where's my horse?'

Champagne at the hunt

'This is what Jack and me have managed to create so far...all you have to do is add your poop to the top and we have a field record!'

It is a good idea to start by learning how to mount your pony.

The Enemy

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'I know you like your stallions tall Mary, but a clydesdale?'

Never clip him yourself unless you are an expert.

Show Jumping Tantrums

Before her first dressage competition, Kate suffered from Pre-Traumatic Stress.

Polo pony

'This is one of those 'shovel ready' jobs you hear about.'

"I'd love to help but at the moment I'm saddled with this enormous mortgage."

A Few Common Ailments

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

Difference between regular and French onion soup? "When I serve the French onion soup, I sneer."

'I'm not taking any chances with the water jump this year.'

Horse accidents

"You're wearing it backwards."

"I dumped my stable companion, he was seeing another pony!"

'He thinks he's so hot but, personally, I'd rather be artificially inseminated.'

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

Journalist Interviewing a Fallen Rider.