Epicurean Witch Hunters T-Shirts

"These days I'm not allowed to eat you, so I'll be forcing you to cook my favorite New York Times recipes."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Holiday Supplies

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

Paul Bocuse caricature

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

Michel Roux Jr

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

The first reported sighting of Bigfoot's podiatrist.

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'Let's remain focused people, we're on a witch hunt here.'

'Which wine should I serve with tofu meat loaf and seaweed salad?'

"What's good here?"

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

"Wow - good job!"