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"I don't know about your oil, but the goulash you're cooking in your crankcase looks done."

The wonderful world of cheese.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

To do before Saturday...

The Origins of Everything

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Wendy likes horses...and she is a keen cook.

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

Odysseus returns to the Laundromat

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

Michel Roux Jr

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

Paul Bocuse caricature

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

"I ain't particular, but are you sure a '71 claret is the right choice for these here beans?"

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Well, I don't care if it is some kind of fancy-schmancy restaurant...if I want ketchup, I'm gonna get ketchup!"

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

Survival of the Foodiest

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

'I'll leave it entirely to you...as long as it's a red...for exactly $20...from Napa...made from Merlot...2006 vintage...'

"Wow - good job!"