Engine Epicure Pillows

"I don't know about your oil, but the goulash you're cooking in your crankcase looks done."

The wonderful world of cheese.

To do before Saturday...

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Wendy likes horses...and she is a keen cook.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

The Origins of Everything

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

Odysseus returns to the Laundromat

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

Michel Roux Jr

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Well, I don't care if it is some kind of fancy-schmancy restaurant...if I want ketchup, I'm gonna get ketchup!"

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

"Wow - good job!"

'I'll leave it entirely to you...as long as it's a red...for exactly $20...from Napa...made from Merlot...2006 vintage...'

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'