Energy Drink Skeptics Gifts

5-hour Lethargy.

"I'll wait a moment for everyone's energy drink to kick in."

"Bad morning. I was running late and skipped my coffee, diet soda, energy drink and Ritalin."

'Coffee must wear you out. They're always sleepy when they drink it.'

"I've decided to make myself another cup of coffee!"

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

Gullib-Os

'Now, for the hyperactive, we've come up with a lethargy drink.'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

Eureka! This has telemarketing sale of a diet supplement written all over it.

Drinks for the post-caffeinated economy

Sugar Crunchies - Free Dental Treatment.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"In other news, oil and gas prices became irrelevant today when scientists announced that pretty much anything can run on caffeine."

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

Creative Juices

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Too much caffeine for Mr. Hopper"

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

Exams

"Oh, I do a little grass on occasion, but I avoid the heavy cruciferous greens."

"Protein bars! Energy drinks!"

"Sorry, that was the three cups of coffee, four cans of red bull, and double dose of Paxil talking."

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

"If this food is healthy, then what about the rest of the store?"

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"