Employment Analyst Gifts

'I was replaced at work by some guy who smuggled himself in on a banana boat,'

"Remind me, Simpkins. Did I fire you or not?"

A Q&A with President Obama over jobs

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

I'm over-educated and under-employed. That's why there's no MIDDLE class anymore.

"I'm looking for something really dull and repetitive."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'I'm looking for an assistant who knows my job, can do my job, but has no interest in having my job.'

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

It come's to my attention that you have been doing the work of two men.

'The school computers are six months old. How can I be expected to be competitive in the job market if I'm trained on obsolete equipment?'

'This is the last time we post job openings,'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

The state off graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my coleegues agree that there maths isn't much better!

Your position has been outsourced, Blue bottle...if you wish to continue working for us...may I suggest relocating and taking a 600 pay cut.

'You wiseaces who said, this factory would move to China are wrong! It's moving to India!'

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

'You're one heck of a corporate head-hunter, Ms. Bridwell.'

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

"It's late. I am not getting into another heated discussion with you."

"After viewing your current account balance, I think you should read the sign."

'Hank here brings 10 years of top sales experience to our company so let's all try to make him feel welcome while he makes you all look bad...'

When the Job Market Shifts, Always Remember That It's All Your Fault

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

'Dayton, you're a decent, respectable, ethical, honest and nice guy. What the hell are you up to?'

"Fellow M.B.A. graduates of the Class of '91—hey, what can I say?"

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'