Emotional Comedian Pillows

'She ran off with my credit rating.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

Phoenix

Barman In Love.

'How much would you take off for cash?'

Jewellers - "If you really love your wife to be, then money should be no object."

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

Caterpillars in love

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'Sharing the same skin-type is fine. But, as a basis for a stable marriage...'

We met online.

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

'I know you love her and want to protect her. But it's wrong to laminate her.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Banana

"I guess your reputation for tipping has preceded you!"

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"...and are you, Jessica, committed to this bit?"

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

And do you, Sue, believe this is the best you can do? / It was a simple ceremony. Perhaps a little too simple.

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'Why do I have the felling that your parents don't trust me?'

It sounds like you have a lot of baggage. Yes, but it's all Louis Vuitton! Menu.

"That's not the thrum and rumble of the great metropolis -- that''s the dishwasher."