Elderly Loved One Gifts

'I hate it when I walk into a room and forget why I went in there. Especially when it's the bathroom!'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"Why bother?"

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

Albert & Myra - The End Story

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Every so often, Madeline gets carried away.

"Did you remember my mints?"

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

"Wish I could do that." "Better give him a dog treat and a bath first."

"Careful."

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

Grandpa gets more than he bargained for when his lawnmower takes flight as a helicopter would.

'I'm fighting ageing.'

Remote Control Duck

Toothless Meal

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

"I get it! I get it! Elephants never forget. Now quit bragging about it!"

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"