Earthquake Pragmatists Gifts

"At first I was concerned about the Earth opening up. But I was going to build a fire pit, so it actually saved me a lot of time."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Eager to get back out but want to limit your exposure? Come to Barry's barbershop, restaurant, gym 'n cinema.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Put it in writing!

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

What would John Dewey say?

"Have a good day at school, and don't worry about the killer virus."

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

"Remember when we used to worry about him bringing home nits?"

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

Survivalists' supplies: The customer's always right wing.

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

"I think it's time we moved in together...the bank has repossessed my flat."

"Money makes the world go 'round, huh?"

"Shirley, will you marry me?"

'Darling...a prenup how wonderful!'

"It's me, Lord, ready to spend a little religious capital."

Self Isolation Kit

Pandemic Dining