Earthquake Pragmatists Gifts

"At first I was concerned about the Earth opening up. But I was going to build a fire pit, so it actually saved me a lot of time."

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

Drive-thru Church

Eager to get back out but want to limit your exposure? Come to Barry's barbershop, restaurant, gym 'n cinema.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

Put it in writing!

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

Hazardous Wastes R Us.

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

"Kids and grand kids squared away forever ago. All set with money. No energy for a whole court thing. So-o-o... maybe you just die?" "Whatever makes you happy, sweet cheeks."

"Have a good day at school, and don't worry about the killer virus."

"Remember when we used to worry about him bringing home nits?"

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Do I have to fetch the newspaper? -- Peter Hitchens always leaves a bad taste in my mouth!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

Survivalists' supplies: The customer's always right wing.

"I'm looking for a card that says 'You're one step closer to the grave', but in a humorous way."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

"Money makes the world go 'round, huh?"

'Darling...a prenup how wonderful!'

"It's me, Lord, ready to spend a little religious capital."

Self Isolation Kit

Pandemic Dining

"Did he sin?"