Funeral Pragmatists Gifts

Funeral - So how are things otherwise?

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

Drive-thru Church

"At first I was concerned about the Earth opening up. But I was going to build a fire pit, so it actually saved me a lot of time."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Put it in writing!

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"Do you have anything that declares my undying love, but with a six month get out clause if it doesn't work out!"

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

"Thirty years of accounting and I haven't had one 'happy accident.'"

What would John Dewey say?

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

The Pee and Pray - for today's busy Christian.

"That's pork - the meat of the pig. It makes an excellent substitute for tofu."

"You've got to admit—he looks good."

"It's a troubling ethical dilemma."

Business man at desk, "My family? Hell no, those are my clients"

"Your present state is caused by a hypersensitivity to existentialist thought. I'm recommending mega-doses of pragmatism as a therapeutic counteractive."

'Santa, snow is falling!'

"...He's just freelancing for Mammon!"

The tunnel of ulterior motives

"I don't know if I want to marry, but I would like a combined household income."

Some exercise program - he power walks to snack machine!

'They always say such nice things about the departed at funerals, it's a pity they're not able to hear them.'

'It was his last request. He was a track star in college.'

"Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you're sick, but can't we get a sub?"

'I'm sorry, Walter, but marriage doesn't have portable benefits.'

"I think it's time we moved in together...the bank has repossessed my flat."

"Money makes the world go 'round, huh?"

Pre-nuptial Agreement: 'Hang on, I'll carry you over the threshold next.'

"It's me, Lord, ready to spend a little religious capital."

'I might be more receptive to your marriage, proposal, Bob, if you didn't refer to it as a takeover bid.'