Vegan Pragmatist Gifts

"That's pork - the meat of the pig. It makes an excellent substitute for tofu."

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"States of tofu"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"Two vegans, please."

Queen of Quinoa

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Before/After

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"Is there a vegan option?"

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

'Is this still America?'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

Like lambs to the slaughter, my ass.

'It's going to be a vegan.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Veggie Hall of Fame.

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

Planting veggies