Early Decorator Gifts

"Half-assed attempts at Christmas decorations already?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Painting by the numbers for adults

'Is that the only wallpaper you could find?!'

"The woman on the fire escape who acted like it was a balcony"

"I decided to go all out on the house decorations this year."

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

"This is a clever little shop. It makes you think it would be fun to own a lamp."

Painting the Ceiling

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

Shelter Cat Nap

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

"Except for that wall socket, the whole damn thing is a trompe-l'oeil."

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

Face Painting.

"I'm starting to think stripes."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"Hon, do you think the accent wall was a mistake?"

"My pillow mania got out of control so I'm limiting myself to just one at a time."

'Quick, press control Z!'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'I wanted a change in decor.'

"Who should we have at eye level this month?"

Redecorating Easter Island.

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

There's a Facebook group for everyone... "Even Toilet Paper Mummies!"

"When we asked you to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, Michaelangelo, we were hoping you'd snazz it up."

Pollock Painting Company