Dose Of Humor Gifts

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"Why, Mr. Conly, I do believe you're trying to get me hydrated."

Pope Kimba XXIII.

An allergist sneezing

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"The test results have come back - you ARE a t**t."

"It requires so much less work than a dog."

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

Lard Lite - Marketing

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Listen, Phil....LOVE the hi-def video conferencing, but next time can you trim your nose hairs?"

"The asteroid will hit in 2032, but I’m prepared!"

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

'Next!'

'Yes, I laugh at most things, but it doesn't mean I can't have a serious conversation...'

'No, Neville. I don't think anyone will ever open a burger bar around here. Now, finish your carrion!'

'You can tell me anything, Mrs. Rojak. I'd never violate the sacred fish store-customer relationship.'

"Oh, the doctor told you not to work so hard, did he?... And does the doctor pay your salary?!"

"Just because he's neutered and declawed doesn't mean he's not dangerous."

'I'm afraid you have dry rot.'

"C'mon, man, we're gonna need you to find that or...things might not workout with you."

"Well, at least his heart's in the right place."

"I asked you to take Mother home, not too a home."

"I heard we're now legal in some states."

'He's been at it too long. Now, when he bell rings, Dr. Pavlov salivates.'

Ninja

'Yes, doctor, I'm sure his temperature is three hundred and fifty.'

'Ah, the old up-phase bipolar cop, down-phase bipolar cop routine, eh?'