Devout Humorist Gifts

"Perhaps if you gave me one big lump sum of cash, I wouldn't have to keep asking for small amounts all the time."

'According to my records, you never went to church and hardly ever watched 'Songs of Praise'.'

They're Not Just That Into It

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Meowlzebub

The world's first exploding cricket box...

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Food fight!'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"Do you see the one who possessed your soul?"

Paunch and Judy.