Devout Humorist T-Shirts

"Perhaps if you gave me one big lump sum of cash, I wouldn't have to keep asking for small amounts all the time."

'According to my records, you never went to church and hardly ever watched 'Songs of Praise'.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Meowlzebub

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

The world's first exploding cricket box...

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

'Food fight!'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Paunch and Judy.

"Do you see the one who possessed your soul?"

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.