Devout Satirist Gifts

They're Not Just That Into It

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

'Secondhand smoke.'

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Waiting Room For Godot.

'Don't believe everything you read.'

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

Stay at home

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

Everyone knew it was a hideous style, but nothing was ever said.

"As a Christian, it's my job to love everyone. Especially people like you who don't deserve it."

'Poet Laureate' door 'Gone to lunch-back twixt 2 &3'

"This book is the future of literature. It is paper-free to help save the planet and completely free of words and images so no one is offended."

"Of course - I believe in the Great Spin Doctor in the sky!"

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

You'll never believe what that house is for.

"Lionel will be watching the new Administration very closely."

Woman uses birds to help her believe she has lost weight.

'I'll publish it if you include a character obviously based on me.'

John Bunyan and Alfred Deakin

My new year's resolution is to write a best-selling novel. Did you know "50 Shades of Grey" started out as fan fiction about that vampire book "Twilight"? I just need to repeat that formula: write fan fiction about a popular book and then just change all the names when I'm done. That way, my book will appeal to that same audience and they won't even know why. Which "popular book" are you going to write fan fiction about? "50 Shades of Grey." Only I'll change the names to "Bella" and "Edward," an

"Oh God, beards are so passe."