Devout Satirist Pillows

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

'Secondhand smoke.'

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

Waiting Room For Godot.

'Don't believe everything you read.'

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

Stay at home

The Post-Modern Bar & Grill.

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

Everyone knew it was a hideous style, but nothing was ever said.

"As a Christian, it's my job to love everyone. Especially people like you who don't deserve it."

'Poet Laureate' door 'Gone to lunch-back twixt 2 &3'

'My success? It's difficult to give reasons...I suppose its a combination of grit, energy, the will to succeed...and a few well-placed relations.'

"This book is the future of literature. It is paper-free to help save the planet and completely free of words and images so no one is offended."

Woman uses birds to help her believe she has lost weight.

"Lionel will be watching the new Administration very closely."

"I've been toiling for months to write the great American tweet."

"Of course - I believe in the Great Spin Doctor in the sky!"

John Bunyan and Alfred Deakin

'I'll publish it if you include a character obviously based on me.'