Thoughtful Satirist Pillows

Walking frame left out

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

They're Not Just That Into It

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Reverse psychology

The World's Biggest Book Club

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Hey boss, it's April 13th. A couple years ago, you said come back April 13, 2015, and we could talk about you giving me a raise. Yes, but that was predicated on the notion that you'd need a raise by now. I see you're still alive. Clearly you haven't starved to death. You smell minty-fresh, so clearly you haven't been forced out onto the streets. Karl Marx said it best: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." I'm pretty sure that is not what Marx meant.

"Picking the right ethnicity of your nanny is the single-hardest part of being a mother these days."

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

'You understand, Yomp, it's not me speaking. It's the corporation!'

Executive Towers: Sorry, No Room Left At The Top!

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

William Makepeace Thackeray.