Thoughtful Satirist T-Shirts

Walking frame left out

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Sock Puppet in Literature

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Reverse psychology

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

'I'd go back if I were you.'

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

'I have no one to blame but myself, for now.'

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Executive Towers: Sorry, No Room Left At The Top!

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Picking the right ethnicity of your nanny is the single-hardest part of being a mother these days."

'You understand, Yomp, it's not me speaking. It's the corporation!'