Domestic Chaos Survivor Gifts

'Daddy, the toaster has stopped working again.'

'... and the kids are screaming and the house is a disaster, and my husband finally get gets home and says 'how was your day?'... so I bit his head off.'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

'What's our stockbroker doing in the shower? Quick! Run and get me a rolled up copy of the Wall Street Journal!'

"Not cool washing sheep in the dishwasher people!"

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

"It's funny how that works. It doesn't matter where I am in the house... I can always tell when the novel isn't going well."

"I'm running a loose ship."

"It's all right dear, it only seems what it is."

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'Please excuse the mess guys.My husband's doing a correspondence course in Embalming.'

"Did he sleep through the night again?"

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. II

"That's the seventh time Dad's waved at me."

'You must excuse us. Things are a bit upside-down at the moment.'

These colours haven't just run. They've sprinted!

“Putty took a wife. Her name was Possums, and she bore him Little Gentleman, Biddy Boo, Savor Tooth, Fluffy, Harry Cat, and Cesar. Then Little Gentleman begat Little Gentleman II and Friday and Tinkle Toes and Possum Tail and…”

"Found it! The cat was using it as a pillow."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. III

'This is our home's communications center.'

Missing sock announcement on a milk carton.

It doesn't pay to own a cuckoo clock and a dog at the same time.

"Don't you think we'll be memorable parents?"

'Don't worry, your father won't notice.'

"After two weeks winter holiday in the Alps with the wife and my four kids, it is wonderfully relaxing to come back to a stressful workday!"

'I love what you haven't done with this place.'

A "balanced diet" means balancing what's left to cook with what's clean enough to cook it in.

Man attempting to paint a room by exploding paint onto the walls - "Could I see your qualifications again Mr Baker."

"Gone insane. Your dinner's in a wheelbarrow on the M25."

'We'll have to eat out tonight - the meatloaf turned on me.'

'He has weapons of mass destruction.'

'When he finally exhausts his vocabularly that's when I call the plumber.'

"Oh, no, I forgot to shred the toilet paper!"

' It's not new carpeting- the vacuum cleaner bag exploded,,,'

Well, not only have I made Iraq a safer place to live, but I've just tidied the kitchen too!