Dog-loving Joker Pillows

'He's had more than a saucerful I know!'

Banana Split...

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"I offer emotional support and companionship for those with PTSD." "I detect cancer and other human diseases by scent detection." "I squeak-fart when startled."

"Yeah, I don't like this part either."

Get crazy once in a while

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

'I said 'barium,' not 'bury him'!'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'Want to freak her out? Stare over her shoulder without blinking for 10 minutes.'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Jogging Bottoms

Wind turbine and leaf blower.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"Of course you can't put your finger on it. It's a hypothetical particle."

"I'm thinking about letting myself get old."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"Teach me not to care."

"Harold, stop sucking in your stomach when the girls walk by. You're going to hurt yourself."

'The doctor is running a little late this morning; but a couple more laps around the park and he should be back at his desk.'

'I've met you before...I'm not good with names, but I never forget a pace!'

'I've heard all about you. Jayne says you're quite the prankster.'

'Moses, you'd better be in that bathtub!!'

Toilet humour

"What do you mean, you 'feel funny'?"

'There are two types of cholesterol - the good type, then the one you've got.'

Adult Absence Notes.

'Let it go, will you? -- That whoopie cushion incident was years ago!'

Here lies BoBo the Clown

"I've been telling everyone how athletic you are."

No infrastructure problem here

False encouragement.

"Everybody's a comedian. When I asked the clerk if he had this size bolt, he laughed and asked, 'What are you - some kind of nut?'"