Dog Discipline Satirist Gifts

'No mistake. It's right here...'Bad Dog'.'

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

"He's no hat and all corgis."

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

'I'd like to return this, please.'

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

"Now turn your head and bark."

"Pssst. Fake poop."

Conversation between Dogs.

"Then he suggested we go to a leash optional beach."

"It's my helper trout!"

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

"Sometimes Bob wags when he's happy—but these days, it usually means he just tooted."

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

'Toilet paper, Lassie! Fetch toilet paper! Stupid mutt!'

'Trouble is, he rubbed my nose in it'

"Look, Mommy. Puppy already knows a trick! What should we call him?" "How about 'Scooter.'"

Newspaper headline is CUTE PUPPY RESCUED. Cat says: 'Sigh! It's all bad news in the papers, isn't it?'

"I think that I shall never see a tree on which I wouldn't pee."

"Are you walking the dog? We live on the third floor!"

Monk & Mandi: "I only obey twice a day."

I was allowed to chew this. But not that

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept that dogs just don't like you.'

"Gas was passed, you get the blame, that's the system."

"He wasn't quite dark enough to name 'midnight' so I named him ten o'clock."

Heaven's Cattlegrid.

Employees Must Lick Themselves Before Returning to Work.

'Well, it wasn't me.'

"Hold on, I just have to send a P-mail."

'You'd better come in while I phone the mail order bride company and tell them there's been a mistake.'

"Here's what you do when you're kenneled: find the biggest dog in the joint and kick his #!@*."

"I thought you were teaching him to fetch, not kvetch."

"Here come the suits."

'I've decided it's worth forsaking my reputation as man's best friend for this opportunity to tell you I've always hated you with a passion.'