Doctor Visit Survivors Gifts

Amateur Ventriloquists

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

Barbeque Casualty.

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Being Serenading in Casualty

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

'Time for your pills.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"I just can't get over how well you look!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"So what brings you in today?"

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

'This is taking longer than my stay in hospital!'

"Tell her the surgeon is the best in his field and she'll get through this fine!"

The Children's Hospital

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"The good news is the frustration of filling out all this paperwork will keep your mind off your pain."

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'