Doctor Visit Dreader Gifts

'It's not that simple, Ms. Whelan. You vcan't just shop around until you find a disease you like.'

"The first one's just a warning."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

Barbeque Casualty.

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

Being Serenading in Casualty

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"So what brings you in today?"

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'This little piggy went to the doctor's office and went 'ouch, ouch, ouch' all the way home. I just made that up.'

"Tell her the surgeon is the best in his field and she'll get through this fine!"

The Children's Hospital

'Aunt Joan and Uncle Wally took Luci to the emergency room.'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

"The good news is the frustration of filling out all this paperwork will keep your mind off your pain."

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'