Divine Humorist Gifts

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."

'Could it be under another name?'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

"Which Is Better - To Eat From The Tree Of Knowledge And Get Kicked Out Or To Stick Around Here With Nothing To Talk About?"

Can Jesus come out and pray?

'I'm afraid there is no Book of Loophole.'

'Everyone has their purpose in God's plan my son. Yours is to be a pain in the arse.'

"You are taking the responsibility as an elder to shepherd the flock a little too serious."

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

'Read that last part back to me.'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

Gods 'to do' list.

"I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I have a great idea for an Act of God."

"When I was a boy I asked God for a new bike. But God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked His forgiveness."

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

"Your mom needs to know that you made it here OK, and your dad wants to know if you could use a few bucks."

"Well, if God had a facebook page think of how many 'likes' he'd have!"

'Thirty-two feet per second squared, eh? -- that should hold them for awhile!:

I'm sorry, all our angels are busy at the moment. Please hold and your prayers will be answered in the order it was received.

"How dare they defy me by doing what I predestined them to do!?!"

God started to wonder if his spam filter was too effective.

'And here's something for the dog.'

"You made it in thanks to the bell curve."

Notice in Heaven - Watch Out For Pot Holes

"I call on my next witness, Jehovah."

'Number 5,356.'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

'Okay - who leaked?'

God embraces social media and checks out his friends

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

'No, he DOESN'T do penis enlargements!'

"The Lord has heard your prayers and has sent me to say unto you, shut up about it already."

You may have hired the best lawyer but I don't think that you can sue God because of a downgoing Dow Jones, sir.

"All I'm saying is that you'd sell a lot more if you had Mary on the cover."

"Would you like to receive periodic updates and special orders from God? You can opt out at any time."