Divine Humorist Pillows

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."

'Could it be under another name?'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

"Which Is Better - To Eat From The Tree Of Knowledge And Get Kicked Out Or To Stick Around Here With Nothing To Talk About?"

'I'm afraid there is no Book of Loophole.'

"You are taking the responsibility as an elder to shepherd the flock a little too serious."

'Everyone has their purpose in God's plan my son. Yours is to be a pain in the arse.'

'Read that last part back to me.'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'Thirty-two feet per second squared, eh? -- that should hold them for awhile!:

"How dare they defy me by doing what I predestined them to do!?!"

"Well, if God had a facebook page think of how many 'likes' he'd have!"

"You made it in thanks to the bell curve."

I'm sorry, all our angels are busy at the moment. Please hold and your prayers will be answered in the order it was received.

God started to wonder if his spam filter was too effective.

'And here's something for the dog.'

Gods 'to do' list.

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

"When I was a boy I asked God for a new bike. But God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked His forgiveness."

"I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I have a great idea for an Act of God."

"Would you like to receive periodic updates and special orders from God? You can opt out at any time."

"All I'm saying is that you'd sell a lot more if you had Mary on the cover."

'No, he DOESN'T do penis enlargements!'

God embraces social media and checks out his friends

'Okay - who leaked?'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

'Number 5,356.'

"I call on my next witness, Jehovah."

"Yes, it could only be Jesus! No one else was such a master at cherry pit spitting!"

"This is going to be quite a challenge - how about some bonus commandments?"

"The stick maker!"

"Oh no! The gods must have been cutting their toenails again!"

"Seriously, don't make me smite you."

"Management's order. We are also under lockdown."