Divine Comedian Pillows

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

"Is he the God of the Old or the New Testament this morning?"

'Your prayer is important to us. Please stay on your knees for the next available God.'

Welcome to Heaven: Please log in, using your password...

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

"I was comped."

"The amendments are coming next week!"

Beware of the God

"Wow! I guess you CAN 'take it with you', after all!"

'What you did was not only 'wrong' - it was 'wrongedy-wrong-wrong'!'

God's Message Pad

'That's his attorney, preparing the amendments, revisions, rectifications, codicils, addenda, suppliments and riders...'

Heaven - under new management.

"Is it just me or is it always partly cloudy up here?"

'Hey, why don't You make the Sabbath on Saturday, and then on Sundays we can play golf!'

'Is there any way we could ease into these GRADUALLY?'

'Hi! You're at the Pearly Gates Interactive Welcome Center. To hear harps and an angelic choir, press 1. To order a DVD of this very special ceremony, press 2. Press 3 if you'd like...'

God finds all the prayers of mankind in his spam folder.

"I hate my fans."

"Bad timing – he's in one of his Old testament moods today."

"Attention new arrivals. We are experiencing some supply chain issues but I assure you these are only temporary."

"Have you noticed that all the negative reviews were from somebody called by Beelzebub !"

"Boss, couldn't you do something about the corona virus?"

Sign above fire extinguisher case says, 'In Case of Fire and Brimstone Break Glass'.

Church urges rethink on air traffic control

'Sorry, pastor, your soul's grace period is eternity, your car's is six minutes.'

'Press one to speak to God, two to speak to another operator, and three to pass straight into heaven.'

'They're only seeking attention.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"Are you sure these comment cards are anonymous?"

God is IN

''Burnt offerings'? -- YUCK!'

'It's not the profession that bothers me, it's the extortionate rates you charged.'

'Sorry -- that's not on our list of approved churches.'