Divine Delegate Gifts

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Candy wuld be nice onice in a while."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

Local News in Heaven

'Are you sure You can be objective? -After all, You did CREATE them.'

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

"If everything is God's will, tell me again why I need to study for exams?"

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

'Just one God? - But won't he be outnumbered?'

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

"This is a little embarrassing to admit, but everything that happens happens for no real reason."

"No, not there! It'll block out all our light!"

"Well, son, in a way, I suppose Jesus was a trust-fund baby."

'If we have everlasting life, what about entropy?'

Good Samaritan responding to hurt man: 'I'm part of God's TLC plan.'

"Hey, this is a good bit- did I say that?"

'Oh, I believe in God -- I just think that he's overrated.'

"To find out if God exists let's ask an expert."

'Flying fish? - I TOLD you there was too much background radiation down there!'

'These are a little harsh. Why don't you take time off for some r and r and rewrite them when you're in a better mood?'

"I'm a little disappointed you don't actually talk the same as in the KJV Bible."

God's Fly Swat...