Disaster Preppers Gifts

You Can't Escape Zombies in a Canoe

Natural Disasters

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

A sun opens its mouth to eat a burning Earth

Zombie Problems

A fire extinguisher box with band aids in them has a sign above with reads, "In case you cut yourself breaking glass break this glass."

Cheer up-things aren't so bad.....

The End is Nigh

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

Wally flunks the test: The Emergency Broadcast System.

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

S.O.S. vaccine

"We're going to have a post-flood economy to deal with."

'Relax. This is only a test.'

Holiday Gifts 2020

Judgment Day is coming next Monday. Repent. Now, hold on. How can I believe you when so many dire prophecies haven't come true? I sealed myself in a shelter twice in the late '60s, hid in the Appalachian Mountains a decade later. A huge bunching of Judgment Day visions in the late '80s led me to simply get a time share in the Colorado mountains … Getting out of town doesn't spare you Judgment Day. I don't think. Lemme double-check the clues in Marmaduke. Mostly I needed an excuse to get away. Th

'I keep them around for unruly octopi, or giant radioactive spiders... you know, just in case.'

The Ambivalence of a Nice Day in February

"My next book? It will probably be about rising up and crushing humanity."

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

The end is near - well, at least for the sandwich board guy.

'You've got swine flu and I think it's begun to mutate.'

Disasters

Hurricane damage to trees

We can't call an ambulance. He doesn't allow personal calls on company time.

Hiker Followed By Paramedic

'I've been plagued with worry over rising water levels, so...'

Trick or Treatment.

Fire Assembly Point

'It's the worst I've seen in this area. Lots of chicken pox going around.'

When a nanosecond is forever.

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

'The tropical tax haven where he offshored his business was just hit by a tsunami.'

I figured out how these folks keep guaranteeing the precise day the world ends. Shhh. Keep it down. Why? It's a scam? If you read the read the fine print, they are promising that the world will begin to end that day. Could take forever. It's a no-lose scam … Shhh! What? It's scary when the world might end. There are a lot of people out there who need comforting. Women people, I presume. Women people, I presume. Who take comfort in necking. And you belittle their fears?