Dining Hilarity Aficionado Gifts

'How about a drink?' 'You've got gravy.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Lunch Broker

"There's a little jelly or something on your chin."

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'How did you get your pastry so thin?' Steam roller.

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Every night it's Roll Play with you."

'Gentlemen, tonight's special is broiled sea urchin, with raspberries, over candy corn, with a goat's milk sauce. I would suggest a wine to recommend with it, had I attended sommelier school in the Twilight Zone.'

'What's the special?'

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

"Oh waiter! Will you pass me the anticoagulant please?"

'Tch! We're not eating Mexican again, are we?' 'Well, I'd look pretty silly going into an Italian restaurant dressed like this.'

'I know I'm getting lots of complements, but the damn waiters are conspiring to not tell me!'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

"...You're featured as a full-page spread."

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'