Dining Hilarity Gifts

A man ordering Haricot Mutton in a restaurant

'No termites, no grubs, no leaves... What kind of crazy restaurant is this?'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"You know what would compliment this meal? A nice vintage milk of magnesia"

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Waiter there's a mouse in my soup.'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'What's the special?'

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."

'The house wine sir.'

'Sorry, smile's off...'