Dining Hilarity Prints

A man ordering Haricot Mutton in a restaurant

'No termites, no grubs, no leaves... What kind of crazy restaurant is this?'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"You know what would compliment this meal? A nice vintage milk of magnesia"

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

'Waiter there's a mouse in my soup.'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'What's the special?'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'The house wine sir.'

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."

'Sorry, smile's off...'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'