Humorous Dining Prints

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"We'll get your food going as soon as the exterminators are done in the kitchen."

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

Menu From The Luxury Home of Pancakes

'Waiter there's a mouse in my soup.'

"I'll have the fish chowder, hold the flotsam and jetsam."

'The house wine sir.'

'What's the special?'

'Sorry, smile's off...'

At The Skinny Customer Restaurant

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

"Hunger is an illusion. I'll have a zenwich."

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

'No termites, no grubs, no leaves... What kind of crazy restaurant is this?'

"Excuse me, my bowl and glass seem to be stuck to the table."

"Who ordered the eviscerated mouse carcass?"

"You're a very interesting waiter, but don't you have any other tables to take care of?"

'If she says I could have cooked this for half the price - the pasta goes over her head.'

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

Joe's Bar and Grill and Focus Group.

"Would you like finicky or non-finicky?"

"Hello, my name is Roberto, and I will be your enabler this evening."