Humor In Dining Prints

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

'I'm sorry, sir. You've had enough.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'For obvious reasons the chowder's made with chicken and pork.'

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'The house wine sir.'

'What's the special?'

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."

'Sorry, smile's off...'

'A fly in your soup, eh? -- Call me if it gets any worse.'

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'

'Is everything O.K.?'

"Hunger is an illusion. I'll have a zenwich."

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

At The Skinny Customer Restaurant

"Who ordered the Manhattan?"