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"I don't like the food here, but the photos I paot make my friends envious."

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"Is the MSG local?"

"The food isn't bad, but I don't care much for the floor show!"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

Platter confusion.

"May I offer you a side of life insurance?"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"Don't tell him anything."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

"Waiter, there's a hair in my soup!"

"You're close, but you're not the record. The record for one family in one booth—all from out of state, each ordering a complete breakfast—was set in 1978, with fifteen."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

'Soufle, can I have the blueprint?.'

'Mine was stone cold.'

'You made me jump,'

"Have you had a chance to look at the menu?"

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.