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"Table for four please,I'll be eating alone this evening."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Is the MSG local?"

The only way to see the world is to see the world

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Heading off with a packed bag

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'How is the water prepared?'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?"

Am Awful Crammer.

Waiter in resturant sawing violin.

'It feels warm enough to me.'

"You and your daft inventions."

"We make substitutions within reason, Madame. We can give you courgettes instead of the aubergine, but we cannot provide Jean-Louis Trintignant in place of your husband."

'A HAMBURGER?.. really?.. I took you for the WEENIE type!'

I'm not going to send over my manager just because there's a fly in your soup. What about sending over the fly's manager.

'I don't have enough money for a tip, but feel free to eat the leftovers!'

"May I offer you a side of life insurance?"

Platter confusion.

Steam from dinner in restaurant forms dollar sign

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.