Dining Debunker Pillows

'Never trust a sommelier with a 750ml tastevin.'

"More wine?"

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Great coffee, Carole."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

'You're cute when you blow your cool.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

'Waiter! There's no hair in my soup!'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Are you sure this is the Irish guacamole?"

Gross! Get you external hard drive off the dinner table!

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'My first drink since my accident.'

"Your compulsive talk about crazy diets, get rich schemes, and mail order drugs -- your pacemaker's been hacked and you're spamming."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

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"You folks like a little something?"

"First the porridge is too hot, then too cold... you're getting a lousy tip."

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Members of the legal fraternity at their favourite Chinese restaurant: So Su Me.

"Our specials can also be accessed at www.todaysspecials.com."

"E-cigarette or non e-cigarette section."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Can I get you your bill sir?"