Dining Debunker Pillows

'Never trust a sommelier with a 750ml tastevin.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"Must everything with you be a landmark decision?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Great coffee, Carole."

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'You're cute when you blow your cool.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

'My first drink since my accident.'

"Are you sure this is the Irish guacamole?"

'Waiter! There's no hair in my soup!'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Your compulsive talk about crazy diets, get rich schemes, and mail order drugs -- your pacemaker's been hacked and you're spamming."

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"You folks like a little something?"

"First the porridge is too hot, then too cold... you're getting a lousy tip."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

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Members of the legal fraternity at their favourite Chinese restaurant: So Su Me.

"Our specials can also be accessed at www.todaysspecials.com."

"E-cigarette or non e-cigarette section."

'What's the special?'

"Can I get you your bill sir?"

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Yes, I'm sure it looked cute and clean, but I would sooner starve to death than eat lunch in a place called Jennifer's Biscuit."