Digital Wit Pillows

'I don't like this predictive text.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Snowprov

Backfire

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Doggone

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Czarcasm

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'He never listened to his mother!'

Paper Boy

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

'The tests indicate you've been exposed to a new idea.'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

'Sorry, Simms, but ever since we downsized, I don't have any people to get in touch with your people.'

'Can't you ever forget you're a lawyer? When I said 'Sue my wife' I was making an introduction!'

"And then bear left at the war memorial, first right down Newton road and St Luke's is straight ahead."

Death Watch

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

'I'll make a good lawyer. I know how to go for the jugular.'

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

I don't get why ladies find you so charming, and me so boring. Simple projection. Believe she finds you charming because you're wittier and more mysterious than she is. She'll sense you're a challenge. Suddenly she'll make anything you say conform to that assumption. So I just Jedi mind-trick them? Maybe not ANYthing.

'He writes one great work of fiction every year...his tax return.'