Digital Wit Pillows

'I don't like this predictive text.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Backfire

Snowprov

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

Doggone

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Czarcasm

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

Paper Boy

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'He never listened to his mother!'

'The tests indicate you've been exposed to a new idea.'

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

'Can't you ever forget you're a lawyer? When I said 'Sue my wife' I was making an introduction!'

"And then bear left at the war memorial, first right down Newton road and St Luke's is straight ahead."

'Sorry, Simms, but ever since we downsized, I don't have any people to get in touch with your people.'

Death Watch

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

'I'll make a good lawyer. I know how to go for the jugular.'

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'He writes one great work of fiction every year...his tax return.'