Digital-age Churchgoer Gifts

"You may need to pep up your sermons, sir. Some of the members are requesting WIFI in the pews."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"It's a cup holder."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

Follow God On Twitter

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'