Digital-age Churchgoer Pillows

"You may need to pep up your sermons, sir. Some of the members are requesting WIFI in the pews."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

United Church of OMG

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"So no bases are uncovered, Sister Ann gives the sermon to the deaf and Brother Brooks blogs it."

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

"It's a cup holder."

Follow God On Twitter

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'