Digestion Detective Gifts

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Like death by salad.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

Critisize your weight.

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Secretive Weigh In.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Diet considerations.'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''