Difficult Pregnancy Gifts

"My wife's going through a difficult pregnancy."

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

Pool attached to child's bed.

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"We realize that kids start using technology at a younger age these days, so our strollers come with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and GPS."

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

"You go out first. Signal me if it's safe!!"

An expecting Flower wearing a 'Baby here, arrow t-shirt' saying BUD

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

"Use your inside scream."

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

"If I turn it up I might get out of here quicker!"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

"Mum's biological clock is ticking away...OOPS!...my mistake. That's indigestion."

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

The Elephant in the Womb

'Listen! It kicked again right here. I swear it's not appendicitis!'

'I trust this is a non-smoking uterus!'

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's undead."

Uterus: One size fits all.